That itch the silence from him gives your heart!

Has anyone ever felt vulnerable,  up to the point of smashing down pride and just being confused. When we think we really like some one of the opposite sex and things begin to quiet down, we as females tend to get that uneasiness and even the toughest of us pick up our writing mediums..(or not).  I was at this point in my life once upon a time and oh boy was I uneasy. Funny thing is, I would never admit to liking this person in that way, I would never talk to any of my friends about it because pride, I wouldn’t even hit the guy up because pride too, but I was evidently being affected. The best I could do was try to indirectly seek attention and therapy, be morose and broken. I got so angry at times I wrote messages I would never send but just keep in order to vent.  Here’s one of the many:

“It’s been a very long time like in the real sense of ‘us’ and I don’t know what is going on anymore or where we stand but realized  that I really did miss you and trust me it was awful,  yes,  for me,  because my whole life pretty much had you in it I ended up blowing up my pride leash and checking in on you, but I did get over it and ‘us’  because I was sure to an extent that you had forgotten or moved on from ‘us’, and just the sole act of checking up freed me like literally I didn’t care anymore(i think closure). I had done my own part and there wasn’t any suspense as to the uncomfortable silences anymore, I wasn’t going to be chasing cars!  I don’t know why you never had the courtesy to tell me how or what you were feeling,  you just left me in the dark and like I said I got over it.”

Rereading it now it’s really funny to me how I wrote that, seems unlike me but when you are being consumed by guilt that you might have done something wrong or you miss someone that brought something into your life, I guess you pretty much do something like this and store it in your journal. This was never sent, it just gave me a lighter feeling  at the time! Girls girls girls… How often do we feel this way or are in these shoes? Or similar! 😅